he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
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