Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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