Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
