This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
