Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Randomize
