"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Randomize
