I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
