sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
