waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
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