the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
