How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
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just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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