Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
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