just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
