WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
