Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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