He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
I could fuck to npr.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
the raccoons are back...
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