So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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