dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
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