Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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