I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Randomize
