I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
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