I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
