My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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