A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Randomize
