my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
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