I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
