How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
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