Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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