Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
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