Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
