her vagine was all disorganized.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
