I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
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ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
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Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
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