We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Randomize
