I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Randomize
