I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Randomize
