while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
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