Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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