how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
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