I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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