I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Randomize
