What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
