i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Randomize
