Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
