Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
pop tarts are not kleenex
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Sext me about skeletons
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
