my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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