Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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