Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
