I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
I could make wine with my vomit
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
