I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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