I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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