Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
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