She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
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