There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
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