walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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