Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
