I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
